“Girl I saw him again.”
“You what? Girl I am not able. You know that boy is no good.”
“I know it. Damn girl how can I explain to you what I can hardly comprehend myself?”
“Well try cause I’m about to reach across this table and snatch you bald.”
I swallowed hard and licked my lips. My eyes watered, unfocused traveling to the past, through emotions that could bend my will and shake my knees. I centered my mind and tried to refocus on putting everything I was feeling and transform it into an expression of sound, of words.
“My reaction to him from the jump was nothing that I could control nor rationalize. I saw him and I wanted him in the worst way. It was hedonistic, animalistic. I reacted to him on the most basic level.”
“You mean it was a sexual attraction.”
“No girl, to say that makes it feel so insignificant, so inadequate to what it was.”
“How do you mean?”
“Ok, let me give you an example: We were hanging out in the park, smoking and there was a group of young guys a short distance away. One of the kids came up to him and asked him for a cigarette. He said sure, and gave it to him.
A few minutes later, another kid from the same group came up to him and asked him for a cigarette.”
“Oh I see how this is gonna go.” She rolled her eyes and shook her head.
“Oh you think so huh. Just shut up and let me explain.” I said through my smile. Serves her right the little know it all.
“Oh O K girl, sorry.” She threw her hands up and head back in mock surrender.
“So anyway he looked at the second kid dead in his eye and said calmly, listen I’m gonna give you the cigarette but you gotta do me a favor. The kid looks at him and says, what’s that? And he continues, when you go back to all of your friends, you gotta tell them that they can’t come ask me for any more cigarettes. The kid studied him for a minute. And girl I could tell that he was assessing him, sizing him up, the same way you would if you came across something that you knew had the potential to be dangerous. And then he asked the kid, are you good with that? And the kid said yeah, took the cigarette and skipped off.”
“Oh I see what you’re saying. I see what you mean.”
“Honey child you see what I’m saying! This cat is cool steel underneath. He makes you take a step back and take his ass seriously. He got you thinkin’ that you don’t want to make a mistake and underestimate him. Child don’t mistake his kindness for weakness.”
“I see. And he conveyed all of that without uttering one curse or threat.”
“Exactly girllll. You get it. He’s lethal without it. He’s ice. But under the covers – child he is fire!”
“Girl I can’t. You are too much.”
“I know girl and I’m sorry. I just don’t know how to explain it but that type of cat had me trippin. He takes charge. He makes me feel like a girl. I feel safe from others when I’m with him and yet when I’m with him, I’m not safe at all.”
“Ohhhhh wow. You’ve been waiting for that forever. For somebody to just roll up on ya and give it to you like that.”
“I know! It’s not even just about the sex – although OMG it’s the best. It is about the way he makes me feel. I feel like I can be myself around him. I’m not a wife, not a mother, nothing else. And he never censors me. Whatever I say, however I feel, whatever I want in and out of bed, he’s good with. Girl I’ve never had anyone act like touching my body was an act of worship. I’ve never had anyone make me feel like a girl even when I was a girl.”
“I know. That type of shit right there is hard to let go. I ain’t never had it before and now that I have, I’m hard pressed to just let it up and walk away.”
“I hear you.”
“Javier Bardem had this line, in that movie The Counselor. He said once a women gets it in her head how she wants to be fucked, it’s a done deal. I loved the line but at the time I didn’t get the full meaning but now I think I understand it.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean when he did what he did to me, loved me that way in and out of bed he forever changed me. And now that I’ve had that experience with him and responded the way that I did I’ve come to realize it’s what I want in bed from here on out. I mean before you knew sex was good. I was happy with it. But it’s what you’re getting and you work with it. But to actually get something that changes you, that becomes what you want, well it makes you look for that type of shit in all of your undercover encounters doesn’t it? Now it’s not about what you’re giving me and I’m going to make do – it’s about what I’ve come to discover I want and it’s hard to settle for less.”