A spell that would eventually break, this I knew to be true but nonetheless I was ill prepared for the moment whence it came.
“I’m coming home this weekend babe.” Marcas’s excitement coated his words and left me in a state of momentary shock.
He’d been gone for the past two months on a tour and in my shameless state with my lover, his existence became an extraneous program still running in the background.
I found my tongue after an awkward moment.
“Oh that’s great!” I mumbled feebly.
“Babe what’s wrong?” Marcas asked, instantly picking up on my counterfeit emotion.
That sobered me immediately. Whatever I had going on with my tiger, I swore it would never interfere with my man. It was time to crawl out of the shadows and walk into the light.
“Forgive me my love, I was just distracted with an email from my boss. I can’t wait to see you. When are you coming home?” I inquired, adopting a more suitable tone while fiddling with my mouse.
“Friday. I’ll be there before you wake up!” He chimed on.
I could hear his relief and feel his smile through the phone. I promised myself I would be vigilant and never slip again.
“I can’t wait to see you baby!”
“Me too. I gotta go babe. I still have to talk to my chief and make sure I’m all set for leave this weekend. I’ll call you if anything changes, which it shouldn’t.”
“Sounds good. In the meantime, I’ll prepare! I love you Marcas.”
“Love you too babe.”
I clicked off the line feeling happiness and dread in equal measure. Red’s eyes darted to the left as she stole a glance at me from behind the side of her monitor. Sonia was out sick for the next two days so the pleasure of the viper’s company had become all mine. I rolled my eyes, pocketed my cigs and lighter and headed downstairs for a quick break. I popped in my earphones and jacked up the volume. I’ll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies. I’ll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife.
Before I hit my usual spot I lit up. I inhaled deeply, pressed my back against the building wall and looked about me without seeing. My visuals were all internal. Imtiaz, Marcas, me. How would my weekend with thee be? How would my weekend without thee be? I wanted Marcas home. I needed him home to steady me. The liberties I was taking were dangerous and needed to be checked. Marcas was my steady rock. He made me feel safe and secure. He was family. He was mine. He tethered me to all of the things in life that mattered. Imtiaz was liquid fire, devouring me with every touch. The tiger and the falcon, furnishing me with wings and setting me free. He promised me nothing yet granted my darkest desires. Two sides of the same coin. My eyes narrowed at the depths of my deviance. I wanted them both and was not contrite at the discovery. This is who I am; a woman who wanted more than perhaps she deserved. I did not need to justify my illation to anyone but self. I embraced my 50 shades.
Just then, as if on cue, my phone rang. I checked the time before swiping. 12:27pm. Had I done this unconsciously? This was his usual break-time.
“Hey tiger.” I cooed.
“Hey beautiful. What you up to?” He purred inquisitively.
“This and that. You eat yet?”
“Oh this and that huh? Sounds mysterious.” He answered, ducking the question of nutrition.
“Am I seeing you today?” I asked with equanimity.
“You wanna see me today?” He countered.
I slowed the pace with a sigh.
“I’d like to.” I leaned back, pulled up my right leg, bending at the knee and braced it against the wall.
“Then you’re gonna see me Cat.”
I smiled. “Go eat something tiger, I’ll see you soon.”
He chuckled lightly. “Ok later babe.”
I tapped the screen a few times and Lana Del Rey filled my ears. Hot summer nights, mid July, when you and I were forever wild.
I checked the time and noted my break was over. I shrugged it off unconcerned. Posh was not in the office today and whatever Red would report, I could handle. I needed a walk. In a few days the queen would have to make way for the king without loosing her bishop. Who would I check? Who would I mate?