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The Tumble – Chapter 38

Three days.  It had been that long since I heard from him.  No text.  No call.  ZippO.  I tried to distract myself.  For the first two days I’d been effortlessly strong.  I worked, I read, I wrote, I worked out, I woke, I slept.  By day three my body was calling for him like heroin.  I lasted as long as I could.

I cut my eyes sideways, drinking in Red who was furiously stabbing at her keyboard, her crossed legs bouncing to a rhythm only she could follow.  Yeah bitch, I thought to myself, on the inside, I don’t look or feel any different.  I pulled my eyes from the wreckage and centered them on my phone, willing it to buzz.  After a few minutes I cried uncle and attempted to compose a text that didn’t hint at my desperation.

Hey, how are you?

Distant.  Phishing.  Cold.  In other words it was perfect.  Even if he read me, he couldn’t call my bluff without revealing the fact that he cared. 

After ten minutes of no response I decided it was a good time to take a walk and grab some lunch.  I mumbled something to Red and headed downstairs.  Sonia was working at Posh’s apartment this week so my partner in crime couldn’t distract me from the insecurity slowly sweeping through my body.  After he revealed that he was falling for me the last time we were together, I had been certain that he was all but mine.  His words, his hands, his tongue, his dick, all caused me to suffer from hubris.  Three days later I was haunted by the paucity of them all.  I couldn’t for the life of me fathom what altered from then to now.  He’d never disconnected from me for this long.  Did he meet someone new?  Had he fallen in love?  I shuddered involuntarily as a chill sliced through me.  Could I have been so easily supplanted? The fear had been lingering in the background since the night I had given myself to him.  I turned the volume past the point of no return, perishing all doubt with visceral sound.

I hate every thing a bout you – why do I lo ove you?

I weaved in and out of streets and up and down avenues.  Pigeons scattered in my wake, the wind trapped me in a swarm of swept up leaves, momentarily mocking my distress.  The elements vehemently despised my weakness as sharply as I did.  How could I allow this boy to take such root within me?  I embarked on a journey to fully exploit and enjoy all of the tiger’s  trappings.  How sublime that in the ultimate effort to cast off all societal acceptability and obtain irrevocable freedom, I would ensure my own slavery?  And by one who hadn’t yet managed to obtain enough life experience required to be anyone’s master.  I mocked and pitied myself and by the time my walk was over, I had inwardly resolved to give no fucks.  If I desired more of this contact sport and he could no longer accommodate me, well, there was bound to be other options.  I would only be grounded if I wanted to be.

I returned to my desk and Red threw me some urgent message that Posh was looking for me.  I gave her an equally cheeky response.

“She knows if she texts me, she’ll get me.”

Red cut me a look that could have froze glass.  We’d gotten real good at tossing venom both verbally or in silence depending on the day but we were comfortable in the dysfunction.

I sat down and got to work, popping in my earplugs.

Crashing, hit a wall
Right now I need a miracle
Hurry up now, I need a miracle
Stranded, reaching out
I call your name but you’re not around
I say your name but you’re not around
I need you, I need you, I need you right now
Yeah, I need you right now
So don’t let me, don’t let me, don’t let me down
I think I’m losing my mind now
It’s in my head, darling I hope
That you’ll be here, when I need you the most
So don’t let me, don’t let me, don’t let me down
D-Don’t let me down
Don’t let me down
Don’t let me down, down, down
Don’t let me down, don’t let me down, down, down
The lyrics bore truth and made a liar out of me.  I checked my phone for the fifth time in as much minutes.

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