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Dear Diary 10.25.2015

This week I’ve been learning how to better deal with a whole lot of issues on all fronts.  As for the family thing that’s going on – I’ve given it to God and let it go.  I can’t keep going over issues in my head about this that and the other thing.  It is what it is.

Work has been crazy as usual but I’m making it more difficult because I forgot one of my cardinal rules, which my own boss reminded me of: take one thing at a time, complete one thing at a time and then move on to the other.

Here’s the problem, people come up to my desk randomly throughout the day and ask me for this that and the other thing and expect an immediate answer.  It’s what they’re use to because this is how I’ve always operated.  Problem: is that I answer whatever they need and then forget what I was in the middle of before they asked.  This has some things falling through the cracks.  This is unacceptable so I have to come up with a solution.  I think I’m going to start gently discouraging co-workers from coming to my desk with questions.  I’m going to start asking people to email me their questions unless urgent and I’ll get to it when I get to it.  These constant interruptions are incredibly distracting.  I’ve also come to the conclusion that this job is huge.  It’s not easy in the least.  I have to accept that.  I keep thinking I’m inadequate and not up to the task but that’s not the case.  The task is magnanimous.  There is never any real downtime which is fine, hello it’s a job but quite frankly it’s two full-time jobs in one, an office manager/receptionist and an executive assistant to a very high demanding executive.  And even though he’s the sweetest person ever it doesn’t make the job any less difficult.  I feel like I’m on it 24/7 and that’s not cute.  It’s not what I wanted.

So going forward I’m changing things up – I’m going to get to bed early, I’m going to rise early, get to work early and do my job with much more focus and energy.  And when I’m home I’m going to be home, not checking my Blackberry every five seconds.  It’s time for some separation.

The tiger tried to wiggle his way back into my life but I let him know in no uncertain terms was he welcome and then I made sure there would be no further communicae between us.  It’s time to take out the trash in every way that matters.

I’ve also been undergoing a personal change, men that seemed so important to me are no longer important.  They have a place but no more blurred lines.  I am changing and I’m embracing that change.  I use to be one way and now I notice I’m another.  I guess I’m coming down both in a sexual sense and in a mental one.  I’m simply not interested in any man but my own right now.  My priorities are different.  I feel different.  I’m looking forward to different things.  I dream of being a substantial writer and having a home with my sailor and our two mini-pinchers.  I dream of my daughter’s happy future.  What was amusing to me before with all of the extra now just feels like dead weight that I’m happily shedding.

I’m entering new space, uncharted territory and I’m loving it.  I feel free.  I feel more intelligent than I’ve ever been.  I was watching a movie again, Dracula Untold, I must have seen it off and on a couple of times but this time I paid attention and saw so many underlying themes – it felt like I was unlocking a puzzle. I think it makes me a better person to be more observant and it certainly makes me a better writer.  I hope one day I won’t just be a good writer, I hope I’ll be a great one and then God Willing, eventually I’ll be a phenomenal one.

It’s a new dawn, it’s a new day and I’m feeling good.

On another front my sailor is struggling back and forth with this PTSD.  He’s not the same person he was by any stretch of the imagination.  A lot of times we’re really good together and some days we’re bickering, fighting bitterly and struggling with understanding each other.  Thus far, we’ve always managed to come back from the abyss.  It hasn’t been easy.  He’s very aggressive now, in his thoughts, words and actions.  He’s asserting a dominance over me constantly and if you know who I am, you know that’s not something I bear lightly.

I like a man being a man, but I don’t appreciate or tolerate anyone bullying me for simply the sake of it, just to see me dance to a tune.  So of course I’m not having it and then we catch it out.  But I am seeing things a little more clearly now thanks to a whole lot of conversations with my Jesus.  His attitude most of the time has very little to do with me, my words just trigger something in him, then he lashes out at me.  We’re working on it.  He realizes after I speak to him and we “do the work” mostly by me talking and his little inputs and additions we can finally trace the source. Once I do this he starts to realize what he’s doing and immediately becomes contrite.  The process however is exhausting.  He sometimes asks why I don’t just give up on him.  But let’s be clear, he’s my sailor and truthfully though I may appreciate fractions of other dudes ain’t nobody got the full picture like my sailor.  He’s best suited for me so honestly if it doesn’t work with him I’m pretty sure I’ll be over men on the whole.

A Facebook friend of mine sent me this article which was not only incredible because a lot of my childhood was routed in those words but even those that weren’t, the life was so familiar.  I didn’t dress like the writer, I didn’t carry a beeper, whatever freedom I had I stole but yet the underlying mood, theme and feel was as familiar to me as smelling incense at a pooja.

If you’re interested in reading this article called: Queens Girls – Indo Caribbean Life in 90’s New York please click on the words “Queens Girls” below.  It might resonate with you to a point of disbelief.  I must also include that the writer Odessa Davi Despot’s article went down like water, sheer urban poetry.  I found her to be a very creative writer, painting an easy picture with her gritty style and clever use of urban word play.

Queens Girls

later kittens