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Dear Diary 10/4/2015

What a doozy of a work week.  Sunshine had a conference to go to and working on the itinerary had been one hell of a nightmare.  His itinerary is easy to work with but adding three other partners to the mix, well it was frustrating.  Every night for the past two to three weeks was an OT night.  Most nights I worked until 7:30 8pm.  I only got up once to do my run routine on my Iron Giant.  I was exhausted.  I got home, I ate, I took a shower and fell out before I could put together a thought.  It was crazy.  My energy is on hiatus.  I think it’s the fact that I’m pulling too many hours at work – the mental concentration – that’s much more exhausting than anything I could do physically.  The crappy part is I can’t do anything physical once I get home and getting up in the am for a run is laughable.  I try to squeeze every minute of sleep I can before negotiating another day much like the one before.  Not to mention I’m riding the crimson wave so everything irritates me to no end.

I’m loosing interest in all things male and all things extra.  I feel like I’m coming into my own with the writing, too many other things to do, concentrate on and men on the whole are getting on my last nerve.  Sometimes I want to be on an island all by myself.  It’s odd, such a come down from the way I was feeling right before my sailor came back.

Honestly I think I am coming down.  I was so sexually charged for the past two years, it was all I thought about.  Men were of great interest to me.  Now, not so much.  I am beginning to put them all in a category of time consumption/risk verses reward and right now I’d rather be spending that time on myself.  Odd considering how I felt just a few months ago but what can I say?  It is what it is.

My Sunshine is still tops and completely holds me down when I’m at work, but even that is fading for me in a sense.  I adore him and want to do my best for him but a few hours ago when he texted me that he was locked out, I was annoyed.  I mean dude, it’s my weekend too.  You’re working so hey it’s no biggie for you to just call the helpdesk number, spend the two minutes on the phone and wait for them to unlock you.  I didn’t really want to be bothered.  I sent him a text with the helpdesk number and said I was indisposed.  I’m all for doing everything I can for my sunshine, and I definitely go the extra mile for him but it’s time to scale back a little.  I’m spoiling him in a way that I not only can’t keep up with but I really don’t want to either, at least not all of the time.

On other fronts, my interview with Tanuja came out on ITV this weekend and bummer that Dish Network doesn’t offer the channel, so I didn’t get to see it.  However I was really nervous about how I would come off and was checking Facebook to see if anyone did catch it.  It turns out my cousin saw it and she had nothing but good things to say about it.  I was tickled pink.  But the real test came when I called my mom.  Lo and behold, she said that she and my dad were riveted, “glued to the set” I believe were her exact words.  She expressed how she and dad were really proud of me and let me tell you that matters a great deal to me even, maybe especially at this age.  Mom said that she and dad really enjoyed the interview and that I came off intelligent and humble.  That’s more than I could have hoped for.  It’s all I could have hoped for.  I’m on cloud 9!

This week Sunday is the launch.  I’m nervous as all heck about it.  Like all events in my life, I can’t wait for it to begin and I can’t wait for it to be over…lol  It’s kind of funny but hey that’s me all over.  I was pouring through HIM trying to find an excerpt that would be PG enough to read during the book launch and I found ONE….lol  Since I haven’t completed editing it myself or subsequently phase 2 which is send it to be professionally edited with all of the name changes in place it was quite a challenge to pick an excerpt that I could read in front of family and yet be juicy enough for others to want to purchase and read HIM.  I’ll just have to trust that the work will speak for itself.  It’s all I can do.

Tomorrow I’m accompanying my sailor to his PTSD appointment.  This is a new challenge for us both.  He’s going through something that I can aptly maneuver or sometimes even understand.  I was watching An American Sniper, there’s a scene where Chris (The Sniper) came back home and was just staring at a vacant TV screen.  That’s C – he kind of tunes out sometimes, other times his mood swings are hard to avoid.  He can be reasonable/normal one minute and then arguing about something insignificant the next.  We do something we’ve never done before, we bicker.  I’m not about it.

There are times when I wonder if he’s got something else going on with someone else.  If he does he’s gotten really good at camouflaging it.  To be honest I can’t even say that I am too bothered.  I’ve had my own crazy sideshows for so long I don’t tend to look at any relationship in the black and white anymore.  I seem to perpetually live in the gray.  Speaking of – My bengali tiger is trying to make a reappearance but I’m not having it.  Some things you can’t unlearn about a person.  Like I said, I’m tired of all the extra, I’m a little tired of men with the exception of my own, on the whole.  Right now, I want to take care of myself and write and read and that’s all.

About reading, I took myself to the Public Library, yes siree I surely did.  I miss the books.  And I borrowed one called Chronicle of a Stalker.  So far I’m thoroughly enjoying it.  Even though it’s the author’s 8th book, she writes well but in some instances she writes like a novel, reminds me of some of the mistakes I sometimes make.  We both tend to explain a scene rather than paint it with words.  I’m enjoying the read however which surprised me but I’m glad of it.  I craved reading for a good while now and I’m glad I’m back on the horse.

Toodles poodles