So Sunday when I was writing my Dear Diary I was in a bit of a ball hating kind of mood. I’m not sure what brought that about but I don’t suppose I’m much different from many of my girls. Men tend to be fickle, annoying, needy, clingy and at times honestly it feels wonderful and there are other times where you feel like you’re dragging three kids wrapped around your legs, screaming mommy mommy that won’t let go for dead. Guess I was having that kind of a day.
Then around comes Monday and my own mood can give me whiplash – cause I take one look at my Sunshine’s dazzling smile and I’m back to adoration as per usual. Who knew? Who knows? I can’t explain it. I guess I’m just going through my own shit.
And of course it doesn’t end there, lately I’ve been noticing my sailor extraordinaire well his moods are kind of giving me whiplash. He’s taken to being a little despondent when it comes to the house. Now listen, I know it’s not easy taking care of the house – I mean really, who you tellin’? BUT I’m a firm believer in being productive. It irks ME when people are not being productive and then always talk about being bored. Well do something bitch! There’s shit to do.
I don’t like the fact that I feel like I’ve got to hound him to get certain things done. He seems to have his own agenda which includes all things car, fixing car, polishing car, running around with his brother getting parts for the car. Now listen, I ain’t jealous of the whip but hot damn! I’m about to push that bitch off a bridge.
Another thing, I’m a stickler for cleaning el banio EVERY WEEK. That’s like a must with me. The sailor is slackin’ big time. He’s doing this every week and a half bullshit and it’s driving me to drink. I hate that shit. To me the bathroom just looks dirty after three days.
Another thing – he’s takin to chillin with the boys on the block, just standing outside, talking, drinkin. Now listen I’m actually all for him having a social life. This is a man who was one step away from being permanently deemed a recluse. He didn’t want to hang with anyone but me and it use to get on my last nerve. I encourage him to make friends, hang out, have a life outside of myself. And I like the fellas on the block. Most of them work pretty hard with the exception of Ray, who calls himself my baifren, not to mention he also says that to my kid. Trust and believe there is no competition for his attention. First of all that’s whacked. I don’t compete with my pickney. There is no competition! My young, beautiful, intelligent daughter can run circles around me. It’s her time! It’s the law of the universe and it is as it should be. I’m down for her crown. No no no, Ray is a dude around the way that is never sober. Please understand when I say never that is precisely what I mean. This is the man that catches me running groceries in my house with my husband right behind me and will do a catcall then turn around and ask my man how he’s doing. That being said – ain’t nobody tryin’ to take Ray seriously at all. But I don’t know if I really like my man hanging out so much with the neighborhood crew. I love our boy Cruz. He’s an intelligent young man who works really hard, the rest I don’t quite know. And maybe upon closer inspection of my feelings it’s not them that I think is the real issue. Maybe it’s because I have a work/reward mentality and I think my sailor is rewarding himself without the work part.
I’m keeping my cool though because a great deal of the time my perspective is so twisted and one-sided that I run with it and then come to find out later I had shit all wrong. I’m talking to my Jesus and he’s telling me to sit on it and just keep on keepin on. I’m all about it.
Of course I started analyzing a lot of things this morning on the bus ride in and quite frankly there’s a lot of clutter taking up space in my mind and giving me some pressure that have nothing to do with my man. I haven’t really done a good, thorough cleaning this year. I know that sounds crazy but I’ve been so busy and tired that I haven’t found the time to do the really heavy shit. I’ve just been doing the regular maintenance and guess what? It bothers the crap out of me.
Now if you know me, I’m the type of chic that focuses on the solution not the problem. That being said, here’s my solution. My man will be gone for about a week or so in November to go see his Navy buds in Virginia. Quite frankly that’s a good thing for us both.
I will utilize that time to clean my joint from top to bottom. In the meantime I’m gonna get that shelf system from Home Depot and fix up my kid’s room the way it’s suppose to be fixed. I’m tired of looking at her crap all over the place. We’re also getting a proper storage unit so we can remove everything in my joint that is all over the place and put it where it belongs – out of our apartment. Trust and believe once this is done, my book launch and Tracey’s wedding has come and gone – I’m going to thoroughly enjoy Thanksgiving and Christmas the way that I should. Things will slow down and I can finally lose all of this pressure buildup and maneuver my life the way that I should. Ah and don’t think that I won’t be having a drank with my girls while the cat’s away. Didn’t I mention the work/reward mentality that rules me? Come on, act like you know boo!
Sometimes you just got to work it out on paper before you implement it on the real.