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Dear Diary 11.9.2015

This weekend was pretty amazing.

First off I think the family drama is over.  I was tired of not knowing what was really going on so I made my voice heard.  Hopefully things will return to normal now.  Time will tell.

Secondly it would surprise no one more than me to know that although my cousin’s Sue’s death hit me hard I really haven’t had time to mourn properly.  Not just has my life been crazy busy on all fronts, work the writing, family bs but I’m also afraid to even visit that pain right now.  There’s a lot of thoughts going through my head about my cousin.  I hear her giggles, I think about all of the times she paid me the highest of compliments and how she always called me and made her presence known in my life and I am ashamed of some of my behavior when it came to her.  I wasn’t there like I should have been for her. I didn’t put out the effort to reach out to her, connect with her, contact her as often as I should have.  I have plans to make my peace with her.  I want to go to her grave, my aunt told me that her headstone is up now.  I want to sit down and bring her flowers and tell her all of the things in death that I should have said to her in life.  I want to say I’m sorry. I want to scream because I can’t make it up to her.  I want to weep for all of the moments I thought about how she died since I found out.  I want to beg for her forgiveness and for God to make a space for her in heaven because I can’t imagine that it would be heaven without this angel that is Sue.  She will be with Roger now, both my two cousins who left us far earlier than either should have.  There is a sadness in me, in all of us especially her parents that will be eternal.  But this is something I have to do.  In the next few weeks, it will be done and then I can move on with a little less weight.

This weekend I managed to sit around on Saturday and watch movies, which is what I love to do.  It’s part of my hibernation clause during the winter.  But I did tell Sher, Sham and Lilah that we need a night out soon.

I’m getting use to the new “C”.  He’s different.  He’s not as compassionate as he was before this last tour.  He’s seen things, done things that he’s still trying to rectify.  He’s also a little bipolar.  Sometimes he’s so incredibly sweet to me and sometimes his actions remind me of where he grew up, Boogie Down Bronx for sure.  I’m not exactly fond of it but I’m getting use to it.  We’ve both changed and it’s not easy to come back together but it’s getting easier as the days go by.  I’m rubbing off on him again and he’s rubbing off on me again.  I guess it’s just going to take some time.  And neither of us have an escape or any extra so I guess it’s a bit novel for us both these days.  The bright side is that we both don’t want to be anywhere else with anyone else so in the end – we gonna be all right.

Sunday I did an overhaul with the kitchen and living room.  I also cleaned the couch and managed to fix up a few other items that have long been staring me in the face.  I’m back in work mode at home so I really want to get everything cleaned and organized and in tip top shape.  Soon Thanksgiving will roll around and I’ll have the Teacups over for our annual get-together.  I can’t wait.  I want to eat until I’m stuffed and play games and laugh and laugh.  We all need it.

This week work shouldn’t be as harassing as the past few weeks have been thank God.  I’m not equipped to take on that kind of stress right now.  I need to enjoy my downtime.

toodles poodles.