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Dear Diary 6/1/2015

Sooo today I was on the train and this FINE as FUCK yeah I said it because if ya know me – ya know that it really takes a lot – NO, like seriously, a lot a lot – to move ME and when I say this I mean I’m generally NOT attracted to dudes just like that.  One one here and there really DO it for me.  The first time I saw my hubby like literally, my heart skipped a beat.  That man took my breath away.  And if you haven’t experienced something like that I am truly sorry cause it is a-freakin-mazing!!

Anyhoo getting back to my story – I was on the train – and got a seat NO LESS – like whoa – it was that kinda morning – a good one.  So I’m sitting on the train listening to some Beyonce song I think and thumbing through my Brylane Home Catalog checking out their latest sheet sets (pretty fancy smancy by the by) and we hit 71st and Continental and some dude (who’s back is to me) gets on the train.  And immediately I’m annoyed.  Why pray tell?  Because he’s just the bad boy type that I find myself attracted to but judging from the last and past everything that can be wrong in a dude culminates in his exact look which of course I find HOT TO DEATH.

So I’m huffing and puffing in the corner seat like an old lady who can’t stomach the young teens making out in front of her.  YES I actually had a physical reaction to his presence.  How je ne sais quoi!!!!  AnyhoooosiE – how odd that the seat in front of me would open up and homiE would sit directly across from me.  And that was the beginning of the end.

Now that I got a good look at him I was FLOORED!  Whereas prior I was just annoyed now I was stunned into angry yet animated silence.  In fact I’m quite sure that I looked just like my mama when she is sitting at a puja and the fire is going round and she can’t believe the gall of the smoke!  Yes it was THAT bad.  I’d like to say that I was much more suave, after all, I’m a woman of some grace and maturity.  However NO, those qualities always seem to act like they robbed a bank and make a fast getaway whenever I’m feelin’ somebody.

So description is as follows: honey brown, some type of Indian descent, beautifully chiseled face (I’m into angles) almond eyes, baseball cap sweats (in fact he was dressed for a much hotter day) Captain America long sleeve shirt (had Cap’s shield on the front) And if that wasn’t enough – HomiE was carrying a jacket!!! Hello – somebody doesn’t listen to the weatherman in the am.  But his sleeves were pulled up to the elbow leaving his tatted out forearms on display.

Now I was really bloody annoyed, sucked my teeth, and gave him my “really bitch?” look.  Yes I keep telling you – it was THAT bad!  Truthfully this infantile scene could be equated to that of Twilight when Bella first enters science class and Edward gets a whiff of her.  Yeah homies – it’s like that but hang on as it does get worse.

Anywayyyyyy – he started to do things.  You could tell he was not a fidgety kind of guy.  He kind of moved like a Japanese Geisha serving tea, elegantly with purpose.  He had precise fingers.  They coulda been a little wider for my taste but that’s neither here nor there.  He draped his jacket very neatly over his thigh and plucked his phone from his pants pocket, adjusted the volume or whatever before slipping it back in.  (now now kids, we’re still talking about phone and pockets – tsk tsk)

And then he did the most heinous thing a guy that good looking can do, he looked at me in that way!  And that’s  when I knew that he peeped me long before I discovered him and cleverly maneuvered his way into my line of sight so I could get a good gander.  Well damn I’ve already been bested.  Crap there’s nothing worse than mutual attraction!!!! Oh for Pete’s sake (saki) the agony and the ecstasy!

Can you guess the rest of the ride kiddies??? Yes it was a game of eyes after that.  His eyes on me, than everywhere else.  My eyes on him than everywhere else.  But then he suddenly switched his backwards cap forward, shielding his eyes and hunching forward, propelling his face downward.  Relieved for a bit that I could make a study of the other parts – I took the liberty.  And of course since my eyes were sans contacts or windshield wipers – they hadn’t really focused on his tats but now … One of them was a word Loyalty.  Why that made me snort – well it was thoughts of the one before that’s why.  Unfair I know – undoubtedly an Usher song – Sho enuff – You remind me of a love that I once knew— yeah it was like that – Well moving forward – I dig signs.  I’m kinda into that and this homiE happen to have a tiger tat on his left forearm.  A TIGER tat! Lions and tigers and bears – OH MY – I’m pretty sure that he could feel my reaction.  In fact the entire train ride was an unspoken conversation betwixt us two.  At that moment – upon discovering the tat homiE looked dead at me.  It was one of those intense looks with his eyes at half mast – so intense my first instinct was to doubt its occurrence so I moved my eyes to the right and then back again to his and he was still staring at me.  Oh My Gosh, Becky Look at Her Butt!

Damn but it was almost too much.  Of course today there are NO train delays, not a damn thing is going on.  In fact, today the train is hauling ass and next thing you know my stop is coming up.  I almost wished he was leaving before me or with me but he wasn’t.  My stop was next and he was still seated, calm, studying me.  And I wanted to do something.  I wanted to see him again.  This was one of those moments of regret people talk about when they’re old sipping on lemonade on some rickety porch 40 years from now.  Oh lawd I might be over dramatizing just a tad.  I might.

I got up and moved to the door, his neck twisted – following my gait.  I could feel him staring at me.  I gave him a final look before the doors opened and I stepped forward.  I took the stairs nearest me upwards and I knew he was looking at me.  I knew he felt something but was probably thinking a thousand negative thoughts that kept him chained to that seat.  And in a flash that contained a lifetime the train doors closed and he was gone.

I didn’t want to look back because I hoped that maybe I would feel a tap on my shoulder, that he had disembarked from the train and was in hot pursuit.  But no such thing occurred.  The moment was lost and he was gone and I would spend the better part of the day wishing.

In the grand scheme of life when my sailor comes home an encounter like this will be put in its proper place and I’ll enjoy it for the moment and let it go.  But now because I’m alone, at my peak and partly because of who I am, I suppose this sort of thing takes on more validity than it should.  I never really analyzed how and why I felt the things that I do before.  But now I am.  I’m getting older and I want the real rather than the right now.  I crave it.  I guess it’s just time.

My sailor will be home soon.  I’m looking more forward to that than I even care to admit.  I honestly hadn’t realized that I was holding back, keeping my feelings in reserve because having my hubby home just meant that I had to say goodbye to him again.  This time when he’s home, he’s home for good, and there will be no more goodbyes.  My life will be altered.  Before i was kind of nervous about that.  After all I have grown accustom to calling my own shots, doing what I like, when I like, blah blah blah.  But I’m ready to hang it all up.  I want him home.  Discovering that I actually need him on an emotional level was something new to me.  I don’t like the vulnerable feeling that comes with that.  This may take me awhile to get comfortable with but for right now, I’m ready to have him home.  I’m ready for a distraction to be a momentary bit of fun.

But that homiE on the train this morning was definitely what my girls and I like to endearingly refer to as candy.