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Dear Diary 8/12/2015

Last week had been a whirlwind.  Every night there was some “book” project I commandeered C for.  Got to say these days he was literally my ride or die.  We had a huge fight a week ago and all of my frustrations came to light.  For the first time in I think our entire marriage I laid it all out.  Hit or miss, do or die time.  Go big or go home right?  I told him the truth.  No more dodge-ball.  I was honest first to myself.  I wanted my husband and to a good degree I needed him.  For me – admitting the latter was much harder than I thought.  But all things being equal if I needed him then I had to trust that he would be there.  In order to trust that he would be there, things had to change between us.  I was tired of acting like I was ok with his one foot in one foot out business he was always pulling.

So we had it out and I straight up said, listen, I want for the first time an EQUAL partner in all of this.  I don’t want all of the projects you have to do to becoming a “we” project and then still everything I’m in charge of, is still all me.  Nah homiE this is no longer working for me.  That’s called dating.  If I’m going to do everything by myself I  might as well be by myself.  There are no benefits of being married if I’m going to have to do it all.

And I must say after that, poof, epitome, the man is as we West Indians say – hand to foot with me.  Everything I ask of him, he does.  Everything I need help in, he helps me.  And get this?  He helps me without complaint and in fact when I’m frustrated and beyond the point where I want to keep going, he steadies me, he gets patient and finds a way to keep me going.  WOW…. this is someplace we’ve never been before.  So in October we will be celebrating our 15 year Anniversary.  When we hit the 10 year mark I thought I am finally confident in feeling like I know this man.  I can complete his sentences, I know his moods, I can almost predict his behavior in many different circumstances.  YES people marriage is hard.  It takes that long to get to really know someone.

Now it’s going to 15 years and I feel like we’ve hit a new plateau.  I’ve been able to let him in – in a way that I never have been able to before.  I’ve been able to not just say I need you, because I’ve done that.  I’ve been actually able to show that I need him by asking him for help.  Now he knows I need him.  He believes it.  It’s done wonders for us.  I think this is the first time he’s looked at me like maybe this woman does need me and wants me around.  Sometimes the independent thing I have fused in my bones is a real relationship killer.  I forget sometimes that he needs to feel equally wanted and needed.  The wanted part is easy for me to do, the needing part, not so much but I’m learning.

On the work front, the new tools I’ve been incorporating to keep track of all things Sunshine has been great for me but I had no gauge as to how my sunshine felt about it.  Until the other day – why you ask?  Keep your knickers on and I’ll tell ya.  Because Sunshine asked me to send him the updated version of my “Chase List” – a document I created with everything that he needs to be aware of, calls, appt. trips, reminders, etc.  – all in one excel document broken up in tabs, color coded and damn near genius if i do say so myself.  I can’t lie, I’d love to take the credit for coming up with this genius but alas I cannot.  Karly came up with this and I learned all about it when working for Posh Spice.  But didn’t I tell you God was good?  What!!! All of the Time (say it with me now) – yes because nothing I ever learn goes to waste.  I feel like every job I’ve had between NGN and now has prepared me for working for my sunshine.  Can I get an Amen and a Hallelujah!  As usual I digress.  My point being that if Sunshine asked me for The Chase List then he IS incorporating it!  Woo-Hoo winner.

By the by, another total work day high occurred yesterday when the VP of GE Corporate (RS) emailed me stating that “you may be the most efficient person I know” – I’m sorry say what now???  LawdE lawd that man surely made my day!  Week even!

And guess what else?  Posh Spice spoke to my girl Sonia and asked her to speak to me – why pray tell? She actually wants to hire me back.  Now I’m not going to lie.  I’m completely flattered.  The woman is complicated and a little crae crae surely that is so.  However who am I to judge?  Sometimes I’m not just a passenger on the crazy train but the engineer and driver as well depending on the day.  I appreciate the offer but I would never leave my sunshine.  So thank you for coming out God bless and good night.  I’m right where I wanna be and it took a long time to get here.  But now that I am here, I ain’t goin nowheres… ya heard!

By the by, strange or rather stupid FB incident that goes as follows:

Some random hit me up on messenger asking if I know so and so, and if I do please have so and so contact random.

Say what now?  So I say to random, who are you?

They respond: Client.

I respond: Client of what company?  What are you talking about?

They respond: You ask a lot of questions.

At this point if said person was next to me, they’d get punched in the face.  Yeah, sometimes I am like Drake 0 to 100 real quick.

Lemme get this straight (if I may) this random that I don’t know, messages me, asking me if I know another person and if I do – have them contact the random.

I’m like listen I don’t know you and I don’t know who you’re looking for either so it’s a wrap.  Child bye.

Then this random proceeds to explain that they know something about this other person’s wife and they want to tell him about it.

Aw hell now I’m engaged in this coolie bullshit – I’m like so lemme get this straight.  You’re not even close with this dude, (you don’t even have his FB information) and you want to tell him something about his wife?  WOW.  Seriously?  What’s your vested interest in that?  LOOK – this is how I feel, whether people agree or not is not my business, but here goes:

Unless you’re a close friend or family – when it comes to other people’s relationships- RULE NUMBER ONE: Mind your own damn business.

You don’t know the ingredients of that marriage so don’t go trying to include your enchiladas mamacita especially when you have no real vested interest in either party.  That’s whacked!  Plus honestly what are you the moral police?  Where’s your self righteous badge, lemme see it?

You know how many dudes I know who found out their spouse was cheating, their marriage broke and now they’re 100% unhappy and wished that they still had their family?  And vice versa.  Listen 90% of the time when your spouse is cheating you already know – but you’re choosing not to deal with it or you’re dealing with it in your own way in your own time.  That’s not anybody else’s business but yours.  Carry on.

If someone I didn’t know came up to me and told me some shit about my husband trust and believe you are NOT getting a thank you for that.

Family and friends deciding to sit you down and tell you that your spouse is cheating is different.  They care about you and they know you so chances are they know whether you want to have this information or not.

In any case you can imagine with my attitude this conversation did not end well.  I basically told random that he sounds like a punk ass, someone that has way too much time on their hands, needs a job and should mind their own business.  Turns out it was a woman…lol  Yes I went in – no it wasn’t necessary – but I was pissed.  How dare you randomly message me with this bullshit.  I treated it like Enders Game – I hit you hard with my words not because of this particular situation but all the stupid situations that you might be comfortable coming to me with in the future.  Yeah it was like that.  She called me a CUNT I called her a bitch and blocked her…lol

Lawd I ain’t got no time for this!

Later kittens.