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Dear Diary 8/31/2015

This week was an all hands on deck kind of week at work.  I actually couldn’t bring myself to go to the office on Monday.  I felt incomplete for so many reasons, the first of which – my cousin Suzanna just died on Tuesday morning, wake all week, viewing Friday, funeral Saturday and since Sunday I’m quite sure all of us family and friends have had the time to start processing her loss.  It’s been a sad, reflective time.  Monday I really wasn’t up for seeing people.  In these times I really just want to lock myself with my hubby and be alone.  I don’t want to see anyone, I don’t want to have to dress up and go anywhere, I just want to sit quietly at home and when the sadness comes I don’t have to think about my environment.  I can just be and feel and mourn and be happy and move forward inch by inch.

Suzy’s death for me was not nearly as hard as Roger’s and I think it’s because pain of that magnitude for the first time can only hit you once and if/when it happens again it’s painful but somehow your soul is a little more prepared to accept great loss.  That’s the best I can do to explain the sensation.

Today is Sunday and I can say I’m doing ok.  I’m moving forward, I’m working on all six cylinders at work and I’m getting back into the swing of things with my blog, books and going forward and planning my writing future.  I’ve began really doing the work with HIM.  I have an ambitious plan of editing three chapters of the 53 chapters in total every day.  If I can keep up that rate it will take me 17 days to accomplish.  I believe after I edit it I will spend the money to get it professionally edited.  I originally wanted to send out that version to agents and I may still do so.  But the fact that it takes about 6 weeks to receive a response doesn’t exactly thrill me.  I’m driven by the need to have as  many books as possible on my Amazon bookshelf.  I’m also working on the fourth book The Tumble, which is actually being posted here for free, as I complete each chapter.  That might sound crazy to some but I like the idea of people being able to read something I wrote without having to pay for it if they don’t want to.  Don’t get me wrong, I’d love to one day become known as a writer, with a great number of people clamoring to read what I write and happy to pay for the privilege.  But writing for me is a dream come true.  Being published is a dream come true.  Everything else is extra.

This was one of the first weekend in a long time that I didn’t have anywhere to run to.  My hubby and I basically sequestered ourselves in the house and I could tell it was more fun for me than the sailor.

Let me backpedal a bit.  Friday I asked the sailor to come meet me at my job around 4 ish because I wanted him to help me with a project.  Now don’t go getting your shorts in a bunch, I explained the ins and outs to the man weeks ago and asked him for his help.  He agreed, so he came to meet me.

Now this project wasn’t exactly an easy breezy type of thing.  If I could have managed it myself I would have.  I don’t waste people’s time and skills unless I lack them, and I need them.  The project you ask?  Well one of my co-workers was on maternity leave and she’s coming back next week.  She’s using one of our offices to pump her breast milk.  She doesn’t want to do that in the bathroom because she doesn’t feel that its sanitary.  I happen to agree.  It’s also not private so that could be nerve racking and distracting.  In any case I agreed to take care of the matter.  Quite frankly I’m just beginning to understand my role in my job and my role is damn near everything.  I help everyone with everything.  I run the office, I help everyone with their admin tasks as necessary and I’m the exec. asst. to the managing partner. Whew!  It sounds like a lot cause it is.  I’m busy every minute of every day and then some.  When I’m in the office I do everything office related but when I’m out of the office I’m still available to my sunshine 24/7.  I kind of solidified that myself.  Normally that’s not something I would do but this job, that’s the way it is if you wish to be indispensable.  And I wish to be nothing short of just that to my sunshine.

In any case my plan was that I would not even need to deal with the building and permits and permission because I wasn’t going to do anything permanent.  I would simply get the same window film that my sailor in I used in my home and apply it to the glass door at work.  Voila!  Easy, breezy, beautiful.

So my sailor came, I plied him with a slice of his favorite desert, red velvet cake (which I thought we might share) but he had no trouble polishing off entirely by himself.  Well can’t hate, I was hoping he would enjoy it and he did.  Thoroughly.

Okay next.  So after everyone left I showed him the room we’d be using the screen for.  We then went to Home Depot and purchased a large frosted paper screen, a small stained glass screen and a medium mirrored screen.  We also purchased the kit with the liquid spray, the squeegee and the tiny cutting tool.

Sooo we get back to the office and go through our process.  I now realize (only after 15 years) that when my hubby and I are working together we have a process.  My hubby is precise, careful, has a designer’s eye as well as a planner’s mind.  He takes time to access everything.  Me, I’m practically the opposite.  I take a very short amount of time to access, then I jump right in, make some mistakes, correct them along the way and keep it pushin.  You can imagine that we’re not exactly the best team with our different processes.  However, you’d be wrong.  I’ve learned to accept that though we’re very different we compliment each other’s strengths and weaknesses in a very unique way.  My hubby takes forever to make a decision, I give him enough room to think, hem ham, measure, re-measure, check sideways, upside down, in and out and all around, scratch his head, shake his butt the whole gambit and just when he’s about to start that mess all over again I throw my hands in the air and say let’s just get to it!  He gives me the run around, we verbally spar for a few minutes and then we decide to get to the nitty gritty.  It’s weird, it’s tiring, it probably makes everything we do together take at least an hour longer than it should but here are the results.

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Now I’m not going to lie, my sailor did most of the work.  He measured a million times, cut carefully, sprayed the solution, got the bubbles out but the design was my vision and don’t underestimate the chic passing the tools, holding the tape, and speaking encouraging words when shit seems to be going left.  Usually at the end of our projects things look pretty amazing and I can’t say that I didn’t involve my Jesus in every step of the way because I did and these are the fine results!  Now that’s what I call Total Awesome Sauce!

By the by, on the work front, my sunshine and I have become quite the team!  I am sooo digging this period of our working relationship.  We are in sync, I can recognize the questions he’s asking about certain people, we’re almost always on the same page – we’re simpatico!  (say it like Elaine from Seinfeld and then we’ll be simpatico as well).

There was one point of annoyance that I myself have to fix.  I’ve been saying sorry and excuse me to everyone for just about everything.  It’s become a bad habit.  I’m doing this bowing and kowtowing business that’s become quite the habit and I’m determined to stop.  I’ve made some progress but I’ve got to make more headway on that.  I don’t know when I started doing this bs but it’s really NOT my nature.  It’s just a habit that’s become as annoying as it is disingenuous.  I mean if I have something to be sorry about than when I say I’m sorry I truly mean it.  But if someone bumps into me, why am I sorry?  I’m generally not annoyed but why do i feel like i have to fill that space with any words at all?  There’s no need.  I use to mutter under my breath and just keep it pushin’ or not give a crap and just keep it pushin.  Going back to that.

later kittens.