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Dear Diary 9.5.2016

So I realize I’ve been singing the same song for quite awhile now, like a year.  I don’t have any energy, I don’t exercise, I hardly write, not anything like with the enthusiasm of only a year ago.  I’m in a kind of funky rut and I’ve been there for awhile and my usual for getting out of it is to be rather like a Nike commercial, and Just Do It.  But I got to tell ya, that ain’t working out.  I’m still in the same position from a year ago and I know this because I use Facebook like it’s my own personal journal.  I seem to document my failures and successes publicly.  And I can’t say that I’m hard on myself.  I frankly tell my tale of woe just as I frankly tell my tale of triump though one more enthusiastically than the other.

Don’t get me wrong – though I can’t seem to motivate myself off of the couch during my weekends and can’t seem to find the time to write during my work week (in all honesty it’s stressful at work these days and with the exception of the occasional FB break and time to tweet some promotional book/web blog and keep up my Pinterest) I have only been doing WORK during, well, work.)

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Now this may be the norm for some but me, I’m usually able to maintain two careers during my 9-5.  For the past couple of months that’s been damn near impossible.  And while I could catch up during the weekend with the writing, I’m so fried the only thing I can manage is to switch positions on the couch so as to not cripple myself.  I feel like Bridget Jones after she got sacked by Hugh, and I don’t mean fired from her job mind you.  And of course every time I express my failings I find the need to tag on a positive note like but I’ll get back on the wagon, just needed some rest.  Well I’m trying.  Its really not in my nature to be the acidic, ironic beeatch that throws in the towel and says, hello this is the end of the line.  Try and be happy with your new, dumpy body and writing sporadically.  Nah, I can’t do it.  Why?  Because I’m not happy with this body I’m just too lazy to do anything about it with any consistency. And since past behavior is a good indicator of present and future behavior, I’ll soon be sick of this entire bs cycle and straighten myself out.

So a lot has happened but since I haven’t written in so long I’ll have to try and remember the sum-up.

The kid, myself and her matron of honor went to a wedding dress sale/trunk show hosted by Kleinfeld.  Let me just say the joint is exactly what you see on their show “Say Yes To The Dress.”  Dev tried on a few dresses, and though I was a bit emotional in the euphoric sense, it did not bring me to tears or anything close to that.  I surprised myself honestly.  But I guess it’s not quite real to me as yet – that my one and only daughter will be walking down the aisle in 2017 – honestly it’s only a matter of months.  The planning scares me a little.  I’m glad I’m not in it alone but planning with my ex-inlaws can be a bit of a dandy.  We’re very different and we do things very differently.  Quite frankly I’ll be doing a lot of praying and just try and keep things as together as I can.  What else can I really do?  We didn’t find “The Dress,” but we did find Dev’s silhouette which is exceptionally important.  I think we’ll do another dress shopping expedition in a few months.  We’ll see how it goes.

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The sailor and I had a big blowout fight about bs – his PTSD kicks in and there’s no turning back.  I employ a few tricks, hold my tongue, my breath, play the reason game and then I say fuck it and go toe to toe.   After this fight we actually went to bed angry and slept in separate spaces.

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homer

The next day I felt wretched at work but we’re both far beyond the point where we make up for make ups sake.  He didn’t call me and I didn’t call him.  When I got home we did make up.  We were both tired, expressed regret and were ready to throw in the towel and start afresh.  This was about a month ago.  We’ve been straight ever since.  I think this taught him something though what I couldn’t say. He’s different, whatever anger he was holding appears to be gone.  Maybe it will come back, maybe it won’t.  I’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.  But for awhile now, there is a peace between us and I’m good with that.

So I had a long talk with my Jesus and asked him to help me get to work on time.  Now that sounds actually hysterical right?  But truth be told I’ve probably never been to work on time.  I’m always late for the most part.  I don’t know why really?  Bad habit I guess but whatever it is, it’s been my real and only issue when it comes to work. In any case, he has helped me, as he always does.  And I’m happy to report I’m on time now.  Now the trick is to leave on time.  That doesn’t always happen but I’m trying.  I’m trying.  alarm

So we bought a new TV.  A huge one and I also got a surface, so I can spend some of that wretched commuting time blogging and writing.  Funny now that I’ve got the Surface, I’m not really sure I want to travel with this bad boy.  I mean I love this thing.  It’s beautiful, efficient, a tablet and a computer.  My favorite part is that I can touch the screen and also use the keyboard or even the pen simultaneously.  It’s incredibly interactive and convenient.  I think I’ll be writing much more during the weekend because it’s just so easy to manipulate when I’m on the coach in the living room. Yes in case you haven’t guessed that’s what is vastly important to me these days, easy and stress free.

So we’re going green at work.  Yes my Prince at work mentioned that he thinks we should get coffee mugs and glassware and run the dishwasher each night instead of wasting all of the paper cups.  I agree with him.  There’s something about drinking out of a well appointed mug that makes you feel practically aristocratic.  For me, it’s always been the little luxuries that make my life.  So I researched mugs like I was gonna have to take a state exam at the end of it.  Yes I surely did and found these amazing, very sophisticated mugs from Crate & Barrel.  Now you might be thinking – my they sure are bourgeois over there in the finance world.  And truth be told my attitude is probably swayed by the fact that I’ve replaced watching Columbo with episodes of Downton Abbey but I daresay (tee hee) that these mugs are in fact perfection!  They fit in your hand the way a mug is supposed to, our 10 0z coffee machine spurts just the right amount of coffee in them so that you can put as much milk and sugar as you desire with no spillage.  I can finally have a true cup of coffee in the am.  And before you scoff at the price, note that a set of four cost a mere $25.90 with shipping.  Now I ask you, can you beat that with a fiddle?  And to please both sexes I purchased them in this light, fresh, feminine color as well as the dark navy for the stronger, more masculine appeal.

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It’s odd how having the same coffee transported in a different vessel can add so much pleasure to our morning but it does.  And I encourage you to add little luxuries in your life – the quantifying value of these tiny variances are immeasurable.

Toodles Poodles

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